Acid is not a monday night drug
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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