found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
