Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
