You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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