people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
