I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize