i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We left the knife in your bed.
whose parrot is this?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
