Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
