He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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