Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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