I seem to have left my pride at pride
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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