how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
