I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
