I didn't shave. On purpose
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
