fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
