youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
