they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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