My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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