Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
