im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
