His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
