i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
