4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
