At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
