Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
