There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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