Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Even the bartender felt bad for me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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