Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
