my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
