And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
