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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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