just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
