end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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