Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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