good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
