Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
