She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
