The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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