If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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