I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
