why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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