Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
