we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
