I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
