I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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