I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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