I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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