ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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