I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
