awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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