My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
