you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
