I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
