I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
