Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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