Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
