I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We don't watch enough power rangers
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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