A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
